I sit on the floor and listen to the noises, fire truck sirens and trucks beeping is the noise of the moment. He’s down low, looking into the fire truck and pushing little army men and Fisher Price people into the cab of the truck. His hands grasp the top of the truck and push it along, and I just watch. He turns around to the toys he’s strewn on the floor and picks up a cup and pot and says ‘tea?’, as we start to spontaneously enjoy a tea party.
I truly wish I could hit pause and halt this moment, this age, the joy and warm feeling I get when we play. I have loved every age as my boys have grown and think there is something magical in all of the phases of my boy’s childhoods, but the fact that my baby is growing up and he’s my last consumes my thoughts. I’m not ready yet.
I feel a pang in the depths of my stomach, a longing, I can easily shed a tear at the thought. My mothering instinct wants to keep hold of her baby boy, because I know that life continues to get more complicated and challenging, the older you get. The pure joy of a truck passing, the shrill of ‘dadeeeeee’ when Rob walks in, the warm, gentle cuddles I get in the morning. Maybe it’s less about the growing of my baby and more about the longing instinct to have another baby.
I was always been poised to have a big family and in my high school graduation, I was “the most likely to have 5 kids”. I exhibited signs of wanting to be a mother early, when many kids were smoking pot in the ravine, I was running off to baby sit after school. I’ve loved kids, yearned for motherhood and now at almost 42, my body (and husband) says no but my mind and emotions definitely say yes.
In a way, I also feel like I’m just starting to work this mothering job out and only now with my 3rd, do I feel like I’m finding my groove. You see, being a mother came simultaneously with the start of my career and I juggled it, like many do. I loved working and feeling fulfilled in achieving what I did and have always felt that I could do both. And to be honest, I did both well with the support of a very hands-on husband. While I built my career and my family at the same time, times were extremely busy and now I wonder whether I could have slowed the years and savoured them more.
So as some of you know, we’re stepping out of our every day in 5 weeks, when we venture out to slow our life with our kids in a new country we’ve both dreamed of. I can’t wait to spend more time with each of my babies as they grow and will be savouring each moment as my mothering journey continues. Time will tell whether the longing for a 4th baby subsides, and perhaps it will be replaced by gorgeous, real and lasting memories that we are yet to create as a family.